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RedFace
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Name: Jeff
Country: South Korea
Metro: Anyang
Gender: Male
Interests: Friends, Music, Movies, Driving, Drawing, Guitar, Writing, Politics, Philosophy, Drinking, Partying, Dancing, Coffee, Cigars, 420, Hookah, Sleeping
Expertise: Sucking at living abroad.
Occupation: English Teacher
Industry: ESL in Korea
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/23/2003
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| I'm finding it real tough over here in Korea. I mean, the job's not bad and the money's super good, but my social life depresses me. Not so much due to a lack-thereof, but simply because the people here are just not my kind of people. I basically only see my coworkers--day in and day out--at the school where I teach, on the weekends drinking, at the gym, etc, etc. And though almost everyone is nice enough and always willing to lend a helping hand, I still find myself incredibly lonely. I'm quickly reminded of how my first semester at college went.
Once again, just being myself seems counterintuitive to respect: I like to fool around and make jokes, and automatically I'm just some putz with no depth (and of course no vulnerability or emotion) nor any reason to be listened to. Why do people ignore me when I talk sometimes? A lot of the time actually. What the fuck is up with that? I've come to the conclusion only a bit earlier in my life that respect isn't an attainment simply granted, but earned. Nevertheless, what kind of people just completely disregard someone when he/she speaks? It must be a fault of mine, because a few members of the faculty do it here.
People in NY were crude, but at least I had my friends to fall back on. Now it seems that the only crudeness in my life comes from my friends. How the fuck do I cope with that? I know I should speak up and start rocking the boat if neessary, but unfortunately (perhaps pathetically) I'm still pretty vulnerable after two months of living here. I also realize that I've had my quarrels back home and that I'm probably just romanticising the past (and tarnishing the present), but still, these people are not my kind of people: And unlike college, I don't have four years and a giant campus to make new friends. I think I need to reach out and find other folks from other English schools.
What it all comes down to is this: People may have been rude back home, but at least I understood them. The faculty here perplexes me sometimes. I find my self as lonely as ever, and I still have ten months until I return to the USA. Even then, I wonder, will my life be the same? Have I abandoned everthing and everyone I know for this career move, and inevitably set myself up to return home to dwindled friendships and evermore loneliness? Going by how life's been so far, I'm sure it's all a big "yes." Where do I go from here?
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| So I've decided to head to Korea for an ESL position; still waiting on a job offer. I'll be gone for a whole year, and though this should be exciting me, the truth is that I'm scared out of my mind. I' don't think I've been as scared of anything else in my whole life. I wish I had somebody to openly talk to about this, but I find myself alone in my pride and, accordingly, my fear.
Number one, I miss college like all hell. I wish so bad that I was going back. And though I'm full throttle for South Korea, A large part of me just wishes I would stay in NY--where my friends are, and my home is--and work on building the stability that is much needed at this point in my life.
I suppose for the more-seasoned traveler (like several people I know), a move like this would be nothing. But I've never left the country before; I've never really left NY before. And this among other things burdens my ambition and my soul. If I was going with somebody else, I'd be fine. If it wasn't a whole year, I'd be fine. The number one thing I'm afraid of (besides getting scammed, arrested or maybe even, who knows... killed) is relapsing into depression while so far away from home. It's a powerful part of my life, and the idea of having to deal with it in an unfamiliar land does not sit well in my stomach.
I hope I'm making the right choice. I tell myself that through good or bad, it will all be healthy for me. But truthfully, I just want the year to go by already, with me arriving back home to the US--and with a whole lot of saved up money. I just want a permanent home for the first time in four years. Maybe I shouldn't go. Any advice? It's more than welcome right now.
I don't want to miss Fordham's homecoming either. But I know that I have to move on with my life, just as all my friends have move on with theirs. I tell myself thst there will be plenty of keggers in the future. I'm ready to be an adult, understand; I'm just not ready to stop partying.
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| So I think I finally hit rock bottom... at least I'm close. I've applied to about 50 places for a job; had a few interviews, got a few callbacks, but still nothing. Not even for dog-walking or waiting. So basically, I've been freeloading off my graduation money for a month. I wanted to used the cash for furniture in my new apartment, but now I don't even know if I'll even have an apartment when I gotta move out in three weeks. There's not much food in the place, so I opted for a dinner of thawed breadcrumbs out of an empty bag of Tyson's chicken--this seemed like a more satisfying option than going to the bodega for hot dog buns. I don't think I've seen the outside world for three days. Sunlight from the windows reminds me too much of the rays emitted by the television. I'm gonna be an extra in a new Eddie Murphy film Starship Dave. $75 for the day. Though it sounds cool, this is unfortunately the closest I've come to steady work as a recent grad. I drink every day. I miss a whole lot of people. I wish things were different. Cheers everybody. I don't know what else to say.
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| I wish I could cry. I want a reason. I don't know how I ever let it get this bad. But one thing's for sure again; never count on anybody. Help is for pussies. Wanting, needing is a weakness. I think I'd rather die than be dependant on other people. Don't let them knock you down, old boy. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer, but it sure as shit isn't going to involve any favors from anyone. I got no job. No place to live. No money. But I haven't felt so reborn in a while. I see clearly now.
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| I'm getting pretty damn sick of feeling like the token Asian guy in a lot of people's lives. Even friends, that know me so well, can degrade me so fast. Whether it's a compliment or a joke, or a straight-up racist comment; most of the time, White people don't even know they're doing it--not that there's any excuse. It's like, if I'm not around Asian people (most Asian people), then no matter what I do, how I act or what I accomplish, all I ever break down to is being Asian. Fuck that. I'm Jeff Shelley. An individual. Why is that so hard for so many fucking White people to see? I can't help but feel constantly alienated from society. I swear to god, the next Asian crack I hear from anybody (best intentions or otherwise) I'm gonna rip them fucking apart.
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